It's just how I work through my feelings

-alone-

tissys — Sat, 22 May 2010 02:42:09 +0000

-tiffany-
September 8, 2008

I’m not mad, as ANGRY as I feel-
I have to remind myself, it’s sadness
and then I feel the knot in my throat and I know, that’s it.
I just stuff it inside, because what else is there to do?

When everyone wanted to be near me…you couldn’t BE close enough
smothering

Now that I’m alienated from everyone
no longer desired
now that I have strikes against me
so no one comes near
It’s safe once again to have no need for me
no desire to make me happy

In one year, things have regressed TWO.
This seems to be my biggest punishment thus far…
and by far, of everything, the saddest..

To feel alone again while I’m in the same room-
Truly, I thought that would never be allowed to happen again.
I thought I had a soul mate and a best friend that would never leave me again.
I should never let my guard down…
It’s just never going to be safe

If simple stresses can do this…I am just…
I am broken…

In my heart
In my faith
In my spirit

Trapped alone with my thoughts
so many thoughts
so many memories
I never thought I’d only have that

It’s UNBELIEVABLE that I wish I could go back 365 days…
the worst day of my life-
and more than anything, oddly…
my sweetest days

The closest we’d ever been.
I was amazingly loved and wanted, in spite of all the damage I had inflicted.

I can’t fix this.
I can’t even begin to know where we took the wrong road again, after all that work.
I’m falling to pieces- I HAVE been.
No one has noticed,
I can’t be alone anymore…
alone in life
alone in my head

And my littlest treasure
he leaves me now too…
I’m not even fun to him anymore

The loneliest feeling-
painful
so much crying and I just don’t know what it’s supposed to accomplish
It used to bring some relief…
nothing so simple works anymore…
Even this, even writing, does no good for my soul.
It used to heal my insides…
now, nothing…
It’s all just, nothing…
alone…

-Resurrection-

tissys — Sat, 22 May 2010 01:21:00 +0000

September 7, 2008
-Tiffany-

“Where did you go?”
“I don’t know.”
I have never spoken truer words.
I DON’T know.
I lost myself – the person I thought I was…

…She was drowned in her sin…

You resurrected someone different…
Better?
Smarter?
More wise to the worlds evils.
But better?
NO
Not at all.
A sadder, more leary girl…
Doubtful of everyone…
No longer open…
Waiting to survey the damage that she knows is so, so much deeper than she will allow anyone to see.

I needed something-
I needed to be something, to someone-
I needed to see that I mattered-
So sad, so unsuccessful.

I think often about dividing the moments I stole with him, into the minutes we’ve spent suffering for it-
I can’t imagine what that equation would look like.
Would it look like me?
A fraction of the person I thought I was.
A broken person splintered into countless pieces.

Not at all the person I BELIEVED I was.
Such a disappointment…

as the newness of a saved relationship wears off…
and you find that you’re just as alone
and just as broken as you were before you wrecked your life trying to feel special.

You accomplished nothing…
and ruined so much

There was a time that he would’ve come to get me if I left his side.
Now he just says, “Come back.”
To what?
I can sit by myself and come apart anywhere.
I don’t need to be at home…
I don’t seem to be needed there.
Only to ease his mind.

A year ago, he would’ve come to save “us”
Things are back to the way…they always will be.

So sad to know that even the extremes I was driven to before, they don’t change things.
So helpless, this feeling.
Helpless? That’s a thought I haven’t been able to touch on…
I can’t change anything.
Nothing makes a difference…
All I can do is regret
and worry about what I can’t solve

I’m through
I’m done
I’m exhausted
I’m damaged-

-Baby Boy-

tissys — Thu, 06 May 2010 03:08:19 +0000

Tiffany Van Auken

June 2005

A baby boy

A head full of curls

In you… I see myself

You are intense

Curious

And, at moments, even brooding!

What a famous sense of humor you have.

You bring smiles and giggles, even from those who don’t have the joy of knowing you.

A flirt, ALREADY!

Toddling feet

Fast to run away

FASTER still to come get hugs and give kisses

You bring joy to our family

Lightness…

We all find happiness in your “lovey” nature

I wait hopefully for those few little moments that you will stop to cuddle up and nuzzle my neck…before you are off and running again..

Beautiful

Precious

My little me

Baby boy

-Monster-

tissys — Thu, 06 May 2010 02:55:46 +0000

Tiffany Van Auken

03/25/2010

What a VICIOUS, forlorn monster this is, that anguishes over justice…

How futile.

Needing something REAL to hold on to.

Something I can grieve.

I’m not even respected enough anymore to have the dignity of receiving that.

What did I DO to become so despised?

I know.

I became you.

Never dreamt I’d end up here, in this place.

Afraid to have friends.

Afraid to go home.

Afraid to sleep.

Never thought I’d have so much wrong in me.

Thought I was a good girl…despite what I denied.

Tried so hard to be wanted…

Never once what I wanted…

You were okay with that…

You NEVER cared that my insides screamed out that I was dying.

You never cared, even when it finally reached my outsides and I could no longer hide the pain that was poisoning me…

Rotting my heart…

But you…

You were ALL too happy to hold my corruption out to remind me…

Lest I, forget, even for a moment, ONE of my scars!

I HATE myself.

There.

You lose!

You can’t punish me anymore.

I will punish myself better than you could ever hope to.

I am lost in my suffering…

Blindly fighting for a way out of this suffocation.

You have succeeded!

YOU are a creator!

You have made the MONSTER…

That is me…

-Letting Go-

tissys — Thu, 06 May 2010 02:24:30 +0000

Tiffany Van Auken

-Letting Go-

03/13/2010

(Written by the lake)

The dull ache has grown into an agonizing pain – and I know it’s time to let go.

What was so unexpected about this… is the torturous drag that is put on all the people and memories I love.

The longing to be done with this pain is immense and unquenchable.

Fury, the kind like I’ve never experienced –

Pulling, dragging me in… into this place of wanting to punish, to retaliate – to create some semblance of justice for myself.

All this heartbreak… and for what? Just to decide to back away… to leave, to hurt what is most precious to me….

Things should never have had to be this hard.

-Missing-

tissys — Thu, 06 May 2010 02:00:56 +0000

May 05, 2010

Tiffany Van Auken

-MISSING-

Markers…

telling us who they are, and what they mean to people.

Telling us…

They’re missing…

from lives…

from days – simple, sunny, fun days that should be happy – and they are, but not as happy as they could be…

because…

They’re missing from them.

Pieces of me are missing. Litttle tiny pieces – cuddly, chubby, toothless smiling, curly haired pieces of me.

Where are their markers? To Tell who they were and what they meant to me…

They’re missing…

From the giggly, to the slobbery-open mouth kisses, to the “only Mommy will do” cries-

From the first look into their eyes as they lay on your belly, to the sweet baby smell of their skin.

From the tender sleepy baby rock, to the middle of the night, sweet sleeping baby coo’s…

They’re all missing.

And on those simple sunny, fun days that ARE happy…well, they’re just not as happy as they could be…

because…

Someone is missing.

-this little girl-

tissys — Sun, 21 Feb 2010 00:33:43 +0000

-tiffany-

-2/20/2010-

-this little girl-

Found to be in a negative place today.

I wanna be done with the old…

and move on to the new.

I want to shed this old covering.

This place I’m hiding away.

This jealousy towards those who have

what I so desperately need.

I’m tired of doing such unreasonable things

to keep people at arms length.

Afraid to be alone with myself.

Never would I dare to sit in silence

from fear it might be deafening

Finally…willing to push back at those who hurt me.

tired….

sick…and so tired of feeling unworthy.

Tired of hurting…

Tired of being so angry while I sat

silently…

sweetly…

always behaving.

Don’t.

Don’t do that.

Don’t do that please!

Don’t touch me!

Oh God, pleasssse don’t touch me anymore!

STOP TOUCHING ME!

You’re not allowed to come so close.

You’re not allowed to do that.

You’re not allowed to touch me anymore!.

You’re not allowed…

How could I let you do that?

How could I let that happen?

Why didn’t you care that it was not okay to hurt me?

Why didn’t you care that I was dissolving right before your very eyes?

How can I ever be punished enough for what you did to me?

I feel…

so bad

so disgusting

so unloved

so invisible

so alone…

And yet, never alone

I want to be LEFT ALONE!

Away from these horrific memories…

Leave me in my filth…

…in the violation you put on me.

…in the soil you left me in.

I have learned well.

And so, leave me now,

Leave me to continue what you started…

…hurting this little girl…

-and always-

tissys — Sat, 06 Feb 2010 20:49:20 +0000

written in high school-

-re:larry-

-tiffany-

I want you to see me for who I am…

but I fear that if you could see what I see…

you would run away.

They judge me for the person they wish I was.

You love me for the person I hope to be.

In your eyes, I am whole

and pure in spirit

and full of all that is right

I long to see in myself all the beauty you find in me.

To be understood

the way I am

for who I am

It’s something I’ve always needed

No one ever seemed to notice

No one ever cared that I too needed.

You have

You seem to always know

my needs

my wants

even my deepest longings

And you give them to me freely

each and every one.

Such a dear soul

in that tough exterior

Surprising sometimes

even to me.

You make me absolute in the moments I am with you

and powerless over my emotions in the moments that you are lost to me.

Is there a time when my heart didn’t know yours?

When our souls didn’t ache for one another?

My logic says yes

but I am without doubt

that we have known each other

-always-

You have been mine

-always-

I have been yours

-aways-

-and always-

-found-

tissys — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 18:12:08 +0000

-tiffany-

-January 2010-

Who is this creature I’ve become?
Out of necessity it was born -
Do I even wish she’d go away now?
Or do I like the way she thinks?

There is an animalistic desire to do…
what she needs…
to get by…
to get away…
Yet, in doing so, she harms all those around her.

There is such sadness she is trying to overcome.
She is pitiful.
Not at all the sweet natured soul she once was.

Scratching and clawing her way out of her situation…
Willing to suffer greatly to achieve the desired results…
But she punishes herself for not putting everyone before her,
the way she used to.

A sad beast who hurts so badly that she lashes out in pain.
Such a noble creature…
she was trying to become
when she fell into her destruction.
Does she even recognize her own reflection?
Yes, she does.
She sees it more clearly now than ever.
And upon looking, she sees she is not at all who she thought.

Why after all this time?
Why couldn’t she just maintain the image she had created?
why couldn’t she just stay numb?
Where did all the desire for…
What she had never come from?
And WHY couldn’t it just stay tucked away inside her aching spirit?

Some would say…
She’s lost her soul.

She would say…
She’s found it.

-what is best-

tissys — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 22:03:11 +0000

-tiffany-

-December 1987-

I closed my eyes, trying to get out of your touch.

I crawl from my thoughts of you.

Trying to rely on my own source of energy.

I do ALL that my conscious will allow to stay far from you..

I have slipped from your grasp.

I had longed to be free forever.

Now that I have this independence,I fear what I should do with it.

Shall I go find another to love?

Should I flaunt my newly found freedom?

Or shall I listen to my hearts cry and crawl back to you…

begging you with all I have?

I have schemed and plotted to avenge you for making my existence so empty…

for making my spirit so lacking in substance.

Giving and taking emotions all too quickly.

How would I have the courage to accuse one such as yourself?

One who gave love so freely,

so continuously,

you never let me go,

even when I wanted you to release your grip.

You kept on loving me,

promising me your would never leave.

I looked not toward the realm of happiness,

but to the realm of hindrance.

Being kept away from the joy that I could find elsewhere,

outside your love.

Why should I be allowed to control my life?

When I see there is happiness directly in front of my eyes.

I finally loosed myself from the chains you had me locked in.

Why should I let you control my life?

Because you know me better than I know myself.

you know how to bring me true happiness…

because you’re everything…

all of me.

You know how to make my heart an honest one…

full of true concern for others.

THAT is why I should crawl back to you

and beg your forgiveness.

I love you

and that is all that can be said in my defense.